Lord and Lady Capulet – they own an estate and have been wealthy since before Caesar, want to make Britain great again.
– Lady Capulet is called Lucy by her friends, and Lord Capulet insists on Lord at all times.
Juliet – their daughter, studying astrophysics at uni.
Susan – Juliet’s twin, studying literature at university. (not dead as egregiously reported by one W.Shakespeare.)
Tybalt – His real name is Theodore, but it sounded to bougie, so he opted for Tybalt instead. He uses twitter to destroy his enemies with words. Someone once said the pen was mightier than the sword. He also opts to vandalize private property, and he does like the occasional brawl, much to his uncle-Lord’s dismay. Tybalt thinks it seems more working class to brawl. He doesn’t really understand the nuance of class structures.
Nurse – Once an au père for Juliet and Susan, now Lady Capulet’s best friend. They drink wine. She teaches at a local primary school, and saves her improper jokes for Lucy and, occasionally, her daughters.
Fredo Montague – an Italian immigrant, who owns a pizza shop that sells curries.
Anita Montague – an Englishwoman who has Indian heritage, married said Italian immigrant, loves his meat balls, convinced him to sell curries alongside pizza. Business is good. Brains of the operation, tolerates Fredo’s feud with lord capulet, thinks she could be friends with Lucy.
Romeo – their son, studying philosophy at uni, does beat poetry, likes hydroponic weed.
Benvolio – a family friend living with the family as he studies medicine at uni.
Prince Escalus – now the head of the local council, changed his name to Prince in solidarity with the famous musician, considered changing his name to: “formerly known as”, but the paperwork was denied. Very wealthy, very eccentric, abides by by-law.
Paris – Prince’s cousin, post-grad student at the university. He wants to get married, but his funding from the Capulet Award hasn’t come through yet.
Mercutio – Prince’s other cousin. He decided to not finish his PhD in literature because he was tired of the feuding between post-structuralists and structuralists; there is no meaning, says he, let alone love. Once taught a class Susan took; she found his apathy infuriatingly attractive.
Lawrence – Moved to England on mission work from Canada. Yes, he gets the imperialist irony; in fact, that’s why he did it. He organizes youth groups in the community to keep them out of trouble. He is a counsellor and confessor to Romeo, who is always in love. He is known for his love of herbs; particularly, his super dope supply of pot from British Columbia. No one knows how he imports it; he says it comes on the wings of a dove. Everyone loves Lawrence. He says ‘eh’ eh lot, to great approval. He has been called an intersectional feminist, snowflake, and social justice warrior.
Rosaline – Romeo stalked her briefly before learning from Lawrence that his was inappropriate. She is a deeply complex person that volunteers at animal shelters are she studied veterinary science. She resents Romeo’s affectation of love–he doesn’t know what it means yet.
Sampson and Balthasar – A couple. Groundskeepers at the Capulet Estate.
Abraham – works at Fredo’s, loyal to Fredo.
(#1 Romeo and Juliet)