Excerpt from Village News

Gamekeepers fight Pizza-Maker with garden sheers and expert wit. Pizza Maker burned.

Reports came flying into local police as the Capulet’s Gamekeepers fought a worker from Fredo’s pizzeria, earlier today. Abraham, a pizza-maker at the establishment, was heard to ask Sampson and Balthasar if they bit their thumbs at him. Indeed, after a brief consultation, the men agreed that they bit their thumbs but at no one in particular.

Abraham, tired from a long shift, brandished a tomato sauce scoop at the two men, splattering them with red sauce. The two men, enraged, ran at Abraham but were stopped short by Benvolio, a relative of Fredo. It was unclear whether Benvolio was adding to the fray or trying to disperse it.

In the confusion, hot-tempered Tybalt swaggered out in his expensive, working-class uniform. His new line will be out later this year; his fashion label is funded by his uncle, Lord Capulet. Tybalt, swathed in luxurious fabrics made to look dirty and old, entered the fray and gave all, except the Gamekeepers, wounds for their efforts.

As the townspeople gathered to watch, they shouted angrily that the Montagues and Capulets were once again fighting. Prince, in a shockingly purple suit, entered onto the scene as Fredo yelled out from his rooms above the pizzeria. Prince had his clipboard out and, at once, began distributing tickets against those who had committed by-law offences. He summoned Fredo and Lord Capulet, who later arrived on the scene, to separate meetings to reprimand the men for bringing their feud to the streets.

Fredo was heard yelling out to Benvolio asking where his son was; Fredo was seen wearing naught but high-waisted pants and a thin-strapped undershirt. Perhaps Tybalt’s fashion line should borrow that look?


(#4 Romeo and Juliet)


Rosaline’s E-mail to her cousin and friend, Susan Capulet

to: susancapulet@greatbritishemail.co.uk
from: rosalinescap@greatbritishemail.co.uk
subject: that romeo guy


I’ve been okay. There has been a notorious case of ringworm going about the animals that come through the clinic. I’ve had to take extra precaution as I work around the animals, so I’ve been hard to reach because I spend most of my time double checking I’ve not got it.

Remember that guy I was telling you about? Romeo? Well, he came into the clinic the other day; he borrowed his friend’s, Benvolio, little cocker spaniel. He came in pretending that he needed help with *his* dog. He is really poetic, but I can’t help but feel that he performs his poetry rather than actually feels it. It’s difficult to discern whether Romeo art or Romeo’s art. At times his passion seems facile, but other times he looks through me with his eyes. I get tingles, even though I wish Benvolio had come in. Is it possible that I get secondary tingles from whence Benvolio’s eyes gazed upon Romeo’s face?

Romeo penned me this poem the other day:

In your absence, I close my eyes and I 
can feel cold heat burning through my soul.
Clear smoke guides me to you, and the acrid
fumes are sweet as I taste the feverish air 
whence purified by you wholesome being.
Be mine, 
My dearest Rosaline.

It’s flattering, to be sure, but I’d rather that Benvolio Montague lay his critical eye on me, for mine has long discerned the profundity of his…mind. Have you ever noticed that Romeo smells like curried pizza and pot? That would be his dad’s shop. I’m also held firmly at bay by the fact that a Capulet could never be with a Montague. Could you imagine? Benvolio must prove exception to the rule? Is that racist? Surely not.

How are things with you and Juliet.

– Rosaline

p.s I hear your dad is throwing a party in a fortnight. Text me; I want to buy a new dress for the night. X

(#3 Romeo and Juliet)




There were two households, somewhat alike in dignity but also indignant of each other. The Capulets just wanted to make Britain great again, and it was ruining the traditional, medieval lay-out of the town now that a pizza-curry shop had set up in the centre. Although Fredo’s hands were usually unclean with pizza dough, he was willing to keep them unclean for a horse head or two. He’d go to the mattresses, that’s for sure. Civil hands shook civil deals that led to floods of civil blood. And yet, from these two families, star-cross’d lovers, fighting epistemic and meteorologically-informed fate doth undo their parents’ feud in their death-mark’d love. Once they sailed on ships with Charon, their parents could no longer justify the enmity between their families. This is the story of this information-superhighway-rest-stop, which, if you with patient eyes attend, what here shall miss, my toil strives to mend.

(#2 Romeo and Juliet)

Romeo and Juliet – Dramatis Personae

Lord and Lady Capulet – they own an estate and have been wealthy since before Caesar, want to make Britain great again.
– Lady Capulet is called Lucy by her friends, and Lord Capulet insists on Lord at all times.
Juliet – their daughter, studying astrophysics at uni.
Susan – Juliet’s twin, studying literature at university. (not dead as egregiously reported by one W.Shakespeare.)
Tybalt – His real name is Theodore, but it sounded to bougie, so he opted for Tybalt instead. He uses twitter to destroy his enemies with words. Someone once said the pen was mightier than the sword. He also opts to vandalize private property, and he does like the occasional brawl, much to his uncle-Lord’s dismay. Tybalt thinks it seems more working class to brawl. He doesn’t really understand the nuance of class structures.
Nurse – Once an au père for Juliet and Susan, now Lady Capulet’s best friend. They drink wine. She teaches at a local primary school, and saves her improper jokes for Lucy and, occasionally, her daughters.

Fredo Montague – an Italian immigrant, who owns a pizza shop that sells curries.
Anita Montague – an Englishwoman who has Indian heritage, married said Italian immigrant, loves his meat balls, convinced him to sell curries alongside pizza. Business is good. Brains of the operation, tolerates Fredo’s feud with lord capulet, thinks she could be friends with Lucy.
Romeo – their son, studying philosophy at uni, does beat poetry, likes hydroponic weed.
Benvolio – a family friend living with the family as he studies medicine at uni.

Prince Escalus – now the head of the local council, changed his name to Prince in solidarity with the famous musician, considered changing his name to: “formerly known as”, but the paperwork was denied. Very wealthy, very eccentric, abides by by-law.
Paris – Prince’s cousin, post-grad student at the university. He wants to get married, but his funding from the Capulet Award hasn’t come through yet.
Mercutio – Prince’s other cousin. He decided to not finish his PhD in literature because he was tired of the feuding between post-structuralists and structuralists; there is no meaning, says he, let alone love. Once taught a class Susan took; she found his apathy infuriatingly attractive.

Lawrence – Moved to England on mission work from Canada. Yes, he gets the imperialist irony; in fact, that’s why he did it. He organizes youth groups in the community to keep them out of trouble. He is a counsellor and confessor to Romeo, who is always in love. He is known for his love of herbs; particularly, his super dope supply of pot from British Columbia. No one knows how he imports it; he says it comes on the wings of a dove. Everyone loves Lawrence. He says ‘eh’ eh lot, to great approval. He has been called an intersectional feminist, snowflake, and social justice warrior.

Rosaline – Romeo stalked her briefly before learning from Lawrence that his was inappropriate. She is a deeply complex person that volunteers at animal shelters are she studied veterinary science. She resents Romeo’s affectation of love–he doesn’t know what it means yet.

Sampson and Balthasar – A couple. Groundskeepers at the Capulet Estate.
Abraham – works at Fredo’s, loyal to Fredo.


(#1 Romeo and Juliet)